Panic Attacks
Dear reader,
I must implore you to approach this letter with caution. I will share my deepest fear with you, which can be extremely dangerous and even painful to hear.
But I guarantee you if you make it to the end it will be encouraging.
Almost 2 weeks ago I was listening to a song called ‘One of These Days’ by FFH. I was having a great morning, the routine was going smoothly until it wasn’t.
I found myself breaking down in the shower. My body was seized up, and I was crying uncontrollably.
My mind was racing to find the cause and it hit me like a brick from the sky. My childhood fear had come back for me.
The song’s lyrics pointed towards the goodness and the joy of the reality of Jesus returning and sweeping us off our feet into a new heavenly reality.
It was a fantastic song, but ever since I was a child I would have nightmares about the best part of my future.
Heaven.
Most people fear their assurance of salvation, and if Heaven is even within their reach. Not me. I would find myself in a state of confusion and panic over wrestling with eternal life.
These thoughts plagued me on and off the rest of the week. I would get shivers down my spine and seize up. Cry in anguish and despair, and scream at the top of my lungs not knowing how else to respond.
I am very grateful to have a plethora of brothers and sisters who care deeply for me. I reached out to many of them during this time with prayer requests of S.O.S.s. Many of them responded and a few even found me in person or called me.
I was reminded of the reality of Spiritual Warfare, that Heaven was good, and to be more specific eternal life is to know God intimately, so these panic attacks pointed back to me not believing in God’s goodness.
The weekend was the worst. The panic ramped up, I couldn’t drive, and I couldn’t keep myself calm and collected. It was absolutely horrible. I sense my heart hurting as I even type these very words.
But once Sunday came I threw myself into worship. The scripture and lyrics I embraced gave me such pure peace that I didn’t want to end.
After the lights went down I could swear I heard God say
“That’s what it will be like with me in eternity. That is to be desired, not feared.”
I can say I’ve had a few spine-tingling moments here and there, but all in all when the fear of eternity creeps in I’ve learned to embrace it and say
“Heaven will be so good. I can’t wait to be there.”
That is the truth, even if I have a hard time believing it here and there, but the truth is unwavering and I can rest upon it for the rest of my short life.
Sincerely,
Your Sometimes Panicky Pal
-Mitchell